It's My Party And I Will Cry If I Want To II

This is again something I wanted to do as a check-in and being open and honest for where I am feeling right now as a mom, wife, and just person. (The picture at the top I hope to have is also a reminder of when life is going a little crazy it was pure joy I felt when I look at the picture and todays picture is in Disneyland in a teacup which I feel is fitting for life just going a little this way and that). So many different emotions this week! One is relief, this was the first year I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when football finished. This year in general was a really good year for Q and football because he came out healthy (praise Jesus amen!) and played every single game compared to previous seasons which were just constant stress if he was gonna play was he not gonna play and just good old politics that come with the game of football. But I don’t know I think last year we were in baby mode so him being done was ok cool but we still are taking care of a newborn so not much had changed with just being busy. Now this time though I feel like me and Q are dating again we are getting to just enjoy each others presence, no rushing about no him traveling for away games. And mainly no me being by myself all day every day. There was someone to watch Yasi to get my hair done, there is someone to do pick ups and drop offs. THERE IS ANOTHER ADULT IN THE ROOM TO TALK TO ! And it just feels great and it just makes me so happy. Doing every thing day in day out by myself those little things feel amazing when you have your partner home to help you out with your kids and just daily stuff.

Then the flip side of it is why can’t I be this happy without my husband around? I would feel like I am on edge to relax and breathe and feel happy only until my husband got home. That is a feeling I don’t like is my happiness reliant on another human being. I do understand it is a wonderful thing to still be able to enjoy your spouse I mean the opposite could be I dreaded him coming home so glass half full six years later and I still enjoy seeing his face when he walks in the door (let me say it is not all roses over here plenty of times I want to punch him in the face when he walks in the door too). But I think me feeling so reliant on Q came from when we first moved here and knowing no one or anything so I became so reliant on him to talk to, do things with, and everything compared to back in Maryland when we both had other things going on. In this season of life though I am now working more on myself (baby steps) but it is getting there and I am doing more things by myself and going out with friends. Because being around each other and enjoying each other I think also consists of having to step away from each other and spend time apart to miss each other again. So I think that is why I am so happy to have him back home because from August until January I have MISSED him so now we are truly enjoying each other and enjoying doing stuff together.

Patience? I have none. I don’t know where it went (maybe it never existed?) but I feel like I need to find some and quick. My kids have been making me lose my ever loving shit lately. And I have no shame in saying that. If it is not one kid telling on EVERYTHING everyone is doing, then another is fake crying (sometimes the same kid that is telling is the same one crying), and then you have another one being just an asshole to the other ones. It is EXHAUSTING. I literally run out of words because I just get tired of being the mediator for all problems whether it is a fight or cooking like I am the problem solver of all and it just makes my head and mouth tired. I could command a classroom, I could handle ten 4 years old I could handle 20 second graders…How can I not handle being in the house with my four kids?? Does this make me a horrible mother?! So how do I fix it???? How do I get my sanity back in my household???????????

The first step is date nights. Yep the first step is to run away, not really but sort of. In actuality I know I come back a better mom when I step away from my kids. And a part of my 2019 goals is doing just that more me time. But that also includes date nights with NO kids. Most of our date nights have involved Yasi coming with us unless family is in town because he just cries when he is away from us and there is nothing actually wrong other then he just he misses me. But the other night we actually got away for several hours first it was someone I trusted to watch all four and then it made it even better because Yasi didn’t cry!!!! It felt so great to walk away and enjoy my husband and talk about adult things, not get the call saying Yasi is crying, and just relax with no worry. The second step is to start working out again! With Q home it will be easier to go to the gym and I think it will help with just clearing my head, doing something for myself. I think being not comfortable in my own skin (that extra baby weight still hanging around) and just make me feel more joy all around, look good feel good right! The third step is something we use to do in my pre-k classroom was a jar/marble system. I am gonna give each twin a jar and they can earn marbles based on good behavior such as cleaning up, using nice words, being helpful things like that means they can put a marble in and it works the same way that they can lose it for hitting, unkind words, or anything else like that. The goal is to fill it up and when it is filled up they can earn something like a trip to Claire’s, going to Flying Circus, or a trip to get ice cream. I would like it to be more based on getting an experience not a thing that they will forget about in two days. But with them being four I think it is harder for them to understand an experience compared to getting a toy or something physical they can hold (so Target dollar section will also be an option!). The fourth is just staying busy on the weekends. That is something I normally try to do anyways, I always get compliments saying I always do so much with the kids but understand it is for my sanity!!!! If we sit in the house everyone just picks at everyone then I am losing my shit. So getting out and doing things is a little trickier when it is winter and raining all the time. I have plenty of regular places I go to for indoor play but those get repetitive so my goal again is to start digging in and researching new places! Like next weekend we are gonna try and do snow tubing and the weekend after that I am thinking of going to a different zoo (weather permitting for both of these) that we have not been to before. So right now those are my four steps for operation get my sanity back!

Here is where anyone local I would love to please get any recommendations of places your kids might love to go? Where are your favorite indoor and outdoor kid friendly places?? Next would be what are some great ideas that have worked for your family when it comes to siblings fighting? Or siblings tattle telling how do we make it stop? Those are the ones I am stuck on I think I can solve (I think I can..) most of the other problems but the tattle telling I am not sure how to stop! But to my other mamas it is hard. Do not let anyone fool you even me on my instagram it is a lie lots of yelling and tears happen (but yes there are plenty of moments of joy too). And you know what that does not mean I do not love my children and it does not mean you do not love your children. This is a season that will pass and before you know it I will miss them being all around me all the time and wanting to hug and kiss and yell with each other. But in this season I am also tired very tired. And to my fellow married couples do not stop dating. I am far from an expert on marriage (SO FAR FROM IT) but we were joking with some friends saying we are five years (almost this June) in that we can actually give advice, but I have said this previously one of my favorite things to do with Q is just explore new places, eat good food, and try new things. So far ending 2018 and entering into 2019 we have started off right just enjoying each other and getting to do so many things just makes me feel close to him again because during the season it is SO HARD to get to enjoy each other and now it is done so it is time to just get to be parents together and husband and wife again.

Thanks for reading to the end and hope you enjoyed or took something away from my rambling!